The “Ripynt’s A Lazy Asshole” Triple Movie Review: Dredd 3D, Looper, and Taken 2

Dredd is about a time traveling ex-CIA agent who has to move through a 200 story apartment tower to find his missing wife before his future self gets doped up on Slo-Mo and takes revenge on him for killing his son. Wait...what? Let me start over. Its not a really a big secret that I'm a lazy sack of shit. Its true. I like to sit on my ass and watch movies more than write about them. But we have a website to maintain and this shit ain't going to write itself. So here's what I'm gonna do. I have seen three movies recently, all of which are worthy of a theatrical viewing experience. So I'm going to cram all the reviews in to one write up and simply make a "top 10 list" for each film. These lists will be, you guessed it, 10 reasons you should pay 10 bucks to see this in the theater (I know, movies are more than $10, but this sounds better). Ready? Heeeeerrrrree weeeee go!

10 Reasons You Should Pay 10 Bucks For Dredd:

1) Its NOT a sequel to the stupid ass Stallone flick from the 90’s. Its a complete reboot of the iconic 2000A.D. character that stays much more true to the comic. And if you’re not familiar with the comic, no worries. The movie is pretty self-explanatory and knowledge of the characters history isn’t necessary. I’ve never read one single issue of 2000A.D., and I’m King Lord NerdSwag. So there’s that.

2) Karl Urban acts the whole movie with just his mouth. That’s impressive.

3) Olivia Thirlby is hot, and her psychic abilities are portrayed pretty awesomely. Is awesomely a word? I didn’t get the red squiggle, so I’m going with it.

4) This might go hand in hand with #2, but Dredd keeps his helmet on the whole movie. Which was the big fanboy beef from the Stallone movie. The comics have NEVER showed his face.

5) Lena Headley. Nuff said.

6) Slo-Mo. The fictional drug of the film. So, the whole bullet time effect is nothing new. Its pretty much been beaten to death ever since Matrix. But Slo-Mo gives a valid reason to do it aside from just stylistic action sequences. The drug makes the brain feel like time is moving at 1% of its normal rate, so while you’re doped up, your point of view IS bullet time. It also makes the 3D really pop.

7) Speaking of…the 3D. Its some of the best use of the technology I’ve seen on film since Avatar. And for those that know the difference, this film was NOT converted. It was filmed in 3D for 3D viewing. So watch it 3D. Don’t skip out just because of the extra couple bucks. (I guess this one is more like 10 reasons you should pay $13 bucks.)

8) The action scenes are retarded, dope, filthy, stupid, dumb, badass, crazy, ill, mackadcious…and pretty cool too.

9) His gun shoots different rounds and is voice activated. For instance, he says “incendiary”, and the gun shoots a bullet that splits off in to like 6 pieces and lights a bunch of bad mother fuckers on fuckin fire. ON FUCKIN FIRE! I wish my Ruger did that.

10) Its a comic movie. And I rep that ish. Beeotch.


10 Reasons You Should Pay 10 Bucks For Looper:

1) Isn’t Joseph Gordon-Levitt like the best young actor in the game right now? The same kid from 3rd Rock From The Sun? Yeah…I think so.

2) The prosthetic’s on JGL are weird at first, but after a few minutes you get over it. JGL manages to channel Bruce’s likeness and mannerisms flawlessly. He IS Bruce Willis circa 1980. Again…acting wise, he’s pretty amazing. (Mancrush? Shut the fuck up).

3) Bruce Willis is dope. I think he is probably the best mediocre actor in the game. I say this because he basically plays the same guy in every damn movie nowadays. And its always fairly wooden and one dimensional. But you still enjoy watching him kick the shit out of the bad guys. I’m not saying he cant act, because I’ve seen him do his thing many times. I’m saying that in the last 10 years he has been the same character in every movie. This one is the best I’ve seen of him in that amount of time.

4) Its a time travel movie that manages to be believable. The paradox’s of time travel are pretty much averted. It seems like if it existed, this would be how it would work. No big flashy entrances. Just the sudden appearance of a person with a bag on their head. No “I sent my father back in time so I could be born” shit. Does that make a lick of sense? No. It doesn’t. How were you born the first time John Conner? HOW???!!!

5) Its unpredictable. You think old Bruce and young Bruce are going to team up to take on the common enemy? Oh…you DID? Uh, yeah, thats what happens. Totally. Have fun.

6) Telekinesis exists, is believable, and makes for some AWESOME sequences. Its done awesomely.

7) The film takes place in two different versions of the future. The “present” version of the future is about 30 years ahead of OUR present, and the tech and scenery is believable. The cars don’t fly. They have hover bikes, but they are apparently expensive as shit and you only see one the whole movie.

8) Who doesn’t like Jeff Daniels? Anybody? I didn’t think so.

9) You know how when you do something to harm your past self, you’re future self is obviously going to be effected in some sorta way? Yeah…that happens…and its really fuckin cool. I like curse words. Fuck it.

10) Its NOT in 3D. That’s right folks. Artistic integrity exists. Go Rian Johnson, GO!


10 Reasons You Should Pay 10 Bucks For Taken 2:

1) Liam Neeson is still a bad ass old fucker.

2) The plot is a little bit of a re-hash, but its believable in context with the first movie. Its not like someone he loves just happens to get snatched again. There is a viable reason why these guys are after him. He’s just NOT the guy you should seek revenge on.

3) Maggie Grace, the daughter, isn’t so helpless and scared this time around. She helps ol’ dad a pretty fair amount. Its handled very well.

4) Rade Serbedzija plays the bad guy. I like this guy. You might know him best as the bum Bruce Wayne gives his coat and money to in Batman Begins. But he’s been in a shit-load of other flicks like X-Men First Class, Mission Impossible 2, Snatch, and Space Cowboy’s. As a bad guy, he’s perfect. He never seems intimidated by Neeson’s character at any point. He’s just a loving father who really doesn’t seem to mind the fact that his son was a daughter kid-napping, sex slave trafficking deutsch-bag.

5) Luc Besson action films are pretty much as good as it gets. He didn’t direct this one, but he wrote it. Which leads me to…

6) Olivier Megaton, the director. This is probably the best he’s done so far. He also did Columbiana, which I personally felt slightly let down on, and Transporter 3, which is actually my favorite in that series. Is he a great director? No. Does he know his strong suits and play on them properly? Yes.

7) Car chases. I don’t know how familiar you are with Istanbul, but the streets are narrow, and there is street-vendors on every one of them like the got-damn Agraba marketplace. Apparently while filming, they couldn’t convince any of the vendors to shut down for the day, so they had to film this super crazy chase sequence around them. It was impressive even when thinking that all the vendors were part of the scene’s, but knowing that they weren’t actors (except for maybe the couple carts that got mowed over) is even more so.

8) Fight scenes. I’m a super fan of good fight choreography. Its like dancing for men. And when you are doing good fight choreography with a 60 year old lead, that’s even better. The fights were all done very…awesomely.

9) You know that trick to tell how far away lightning struck? You see the lightning and you count “one-one thousand, two-one thousand” and the number you end on is roughly how many miles away the lightning hit. Yeah…lets try that with grenades.

10) Is it as good as the first? No. Is it close? Yes. Could you watch them back to back and enjoy every fuckin second of it? Yes. And that to me defines a good sequel and series. If you can watch them all together and it makes sense and doesn’t feel forced. I wouldn’t mind a third, but I could also do without it. I’m satisfied.

So in closing, see all three of these movies or I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you. (Now YOU say “Good luck”. C’mon…say it. PLEASE!)

– Ripynt

About #NerdSwag (41 Articles)
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